I've failed.
The Water Challenge is just so hard.
At the moment, I'm not sure whether to climb back on that barrel, or whether to give in and stand defeated by my own attempts to be green.

Let me explain.
I'd been cruising along, doing just fine on the Water Challenge, until a couple of weeks ago.
My throat was really sore after singing at choir, and I went to the pub with a couple of choir buddies, and I had a cranberry juice to sooth my sore throat.
I'd
like to say that they talked me into it, because that would make me feel better. But I really wanted it, and then they helped me justify it a bit. It was me. I can't blame my friends, as much as I'd like to.
The following week, at pub again, I ordered a cranberry again, this time justifying that "it would be my weekly bender".
Then this weekend, all hell broke loose.
Just a rotten, rotten weekIt's been a horror week. I've had:
- a 2 year old with a blood nose,
- me soaking the aforementioned 2 year old's entire quilt set, pillows, sheets, and linen,
- a mother-in-law visiting,
- a grumpy and exhausted husband because of the mother-in-law visiting,
- and our car blowing up on Friday, in perfect time for the weekend.
All this on top of the usual 24 hour-a-day, 7-days-a-week madness.
Oh, and it is school holidays, so no respite from the kids.
A weekend of sin, with no redemption in sightJust when my life was looking like Hell at a BBQ, a choir friend, Peggy, came to rescue my sanity. She picked me up from my home and took me to her house for a lovely afternoon of gardening, singing, homemade pumpkin pie
(she's American, and yes, it was awesome), and chitchat. She's so cool she even drives a Prius.
When she offered me first a cup of tea
(sin!) then a glass of lovely white wine
(deadly sin!) I didn't refuse.
I didn't even feel guilty.
That was on Saturday, two days ago. I might try to blame Peggy for it, unfair as that might be. But yesterday (Sunday) was entirely my own fault.
After a busy morning singing, and a lovely afternoon listening to an organ recital by our own music director in the town hall, I ran into Peggy again in the shopping mall in town. We had a snack together then, as we were too early for our 6:15 call to choir for the evening service, went to Alibi bar at the Octagon for a drink.
And this time, I encouraged her. I had a glass of a nice local white, and she had a half glass.
And I was
plastered! All through the service, I felt like I couldn't see straight or concentrate. This Water Challenge has turned me into an alcoholic lightweight!
The result of that
one glass was I gave a terrible performance. Although I tried to make light of it, I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had failed. It was a horrible experience.
Not only that, my failure was on display in front of all my friends, people I respect and who I want to respect me.
Where do I go from here?One part of me
(and several of my friends) say that The Water Challenge was too hard to begin with. That I was trying something that was just too much of an ask of myself.
But another part of me needs to try again. I guess I demand high standards of myself. I'm disappointed that I let my church and my choir down with my substandard behaviour.
Most of all, I let myself down.
It's silly really. In this Challenge, I'm answerable to no-one but myself. No-one else cares if I do the Challenge.
But I care. There's this ascetic streak in me that I'm grappling with and trying to understand, although I don't think I ever will. Our Dean talked last night in his sermon about
living deliberately, and that's what I want to do. Yet every time I try, I come up against the reality that is my own weak self.
I think I'm going to try The Water Challenge again, but it is a hard decision to make.
What would you do?But what sort of person am I if I don't? I think I'd despise myself if I didn't pick myself up and start over, no matter how hard that might be. Even if I can't do it, I don't want to fail because I didn't bother trying. If I fail, I want to have failed because I genuinely couldn't do it.
I wish I hadn't undertaken this Challenge. But now I have, I think the right thing to do is pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off, and start over.--
Cluttercut -
Be the change
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