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The Water Challenge: Failure, drunkenness, and shame
Monday, 5 October 2009
I've failed.
The Water Challenge is just so hard.
At the moment, I'm not sure whether to climb back on that barrel, or whether to give in and stand defeated by my own attempts to be green.
Let me explain.
I'd been cruising along, doing just fine on the Water Challenge, until a couple of weeks ago.
My throat was really sore after singing at choir, and I went to the pub with a couple of choir buddies, and I had a cranberry juice to sooth my sore throat.
I'd like to say that they talked me into it, because that would make me feel better. But I really wanted it, and then they helped me justify it a bit. It was me. I can't blame my friends, as much as I'd like to.
The following week, at pub again, I ordered a cranberry again, this time justifying that "it would be my weekly bender".
Then this weekend, all hell broke loose.
Just a rotten, rotten week
It's been a horror week. I've had:
- a 2 year old with a blood nose,
- me soaking the aforementioned 2 year old's entire quilt set, pillows, sheets, and linen,
- a mother-in-law visiting,
- a grumpy and exhausted husband because of the mother-in-law visiting,
- and our car blowing up on Friday, in perfect time for the weekend.
All this on top of the usual 24 hour-a-day, 7-days-a-week madness.
Oh, and it is school holidays, so no respite from the kids.
A weekend of sin, with no redemption in sight
Just when my life was looking like Hell at a BBQ, a choir friend, Peggy, came to rescue my sanity. She picked me up from my home and took me to her house for a lovely afternoon of gardening, singing, homemade pumpkin pie (she's American, and yes, it was awesome), and chitchat. She's so cool she even drives a Prius.
When she offered me first a cup of tea (sin!) then a glass of lovely white wine (deadly sin!) I didn't refuse.
I didn't even feel guilty.
That was on Saturday, two days ago. I might try to blame Peggy for it, unfair as that might be. But yesterday (Sunday) was entirely my own fault.
After a busy morning singing, and a lovely afternoon listening to an organ recital by our own music director in the town hall, I ran into Peggy again in the shopping mall in town. We had a snack together then, as we were too early for our 6:15 call to choir for the evening service, went to Alibi bar at the Octagon for a drink.
And this time, I encouraged her. I had a glass of a nice local white, and she had a half glass.
And I was plastered! All through the service, I felt like I couldn't see straight or concentrate. This Water Challenge has turned me into an alcoholic lightweight!
The result of that one glass was I gave a terrible performance. Although I tried to make light of it, I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had failed. It was a horrible experience.
Not only that, my failure was on display in front of all my friends, people I respect and who I want to respect me.
Where do I go from here?
One part of me (and several of my friends) say that The Water Challenge was too hard to begin with. That I was trying something that was just too much of an ask of myself.
But another part of me needs to try again. I guess I demand high standards of myself. I'm disappointed that I let my church and my choir down with my substandard behaviour.
Most of all, I let myself down.
It's silly really. In this Challenge, I'm answerable to no-one but myself. No-one else cares if I do the Challenge.
But I care. There's this ascetic streak in me that I'm grappling with and trying to understand, although I don't think I ever will. Our Dean talked last night in his sermon about living deliberately, and that's what I want to do. Yet every time I try, I come up against the reality that is my own weak self.
I think I'm going to try The Water Challenge again, but it is a hard decision to make. What would you do?
But what sort of person am I if I don't? I think I'd despise myself if I didn't pick myself up and start over, no matter how hard that might be. Even if I can't do it, I don't want to fail because I didn't bother trying. If I fail, I want to have failed because I genuinely couldn't do it.
I wish I hadn't undertaken this Challenge. But now I have, I think the right thing to do is pick myself up off the floor, dust myself off, and start over.
--
Cluttercut - Be the change
11 comments:
Gosh, that's a real toughie actually.
I'm probably amongst those who would think the water challenge quite 'hardcore' and perhaps unrealistic from the outset (I would've either shortened it, or made it less restrictive if going the whole year). But I'm also with you on your desire to see something through, to be true to your word, even if it's tough.
My main suggestion is to think about where you want to be permanently with the whole beverage thing, and then to think about how to get there. What will help you make changes for the long haul? Personally, I have never found the combination of guilt and willpower a very helpful motivator!
How about a water challenge that ramps up in increments?
Anyway, I admire your commitment, and your honesty, and I think you should forgive yourself and move forward!!!
I'd say rethink why you went for the water challenge, and pick something that's challenging but realistic.
Given that the main issue is plastic, how about a "no-drinking-from-plastic-bottles" challenge. Doesn't roll off the tongue as well, but is more realistic, and aims to achieve the main goal.
And don't kick yourself for falling off the horse. To keep things in perspective, you haven't committed a horrible sin, just drunk a couple of glasses of wine and juice!
(although perhaps next time have the wine after (or during?) the service ...)
ohhh, i'm so sorry you had a terrible water challenge. :(
I think the idea from these challenges is to realize how important water was (right?)- which you tried to do. I think that your challenge was actually extremely enlightening- you drank more water than ever before... but why not drink other types of beverages?
I guess I just think that sometimes the idea of the challenge can get lost in the actual "challenge". I think you need to allow yourself some Grace and reconnect.
About the getting drunk part: hehe, I'm sure your friends and family understand. We need silliness in our lives! :)
When you fall off the horse, you get up, shake yourself off and get right back on girl.
No guilt required, its a learning curve, any "mistakes" are lessons, that simple:)
Hi Daharja,
I think the challenge was probably just too difficult. I mean, I can understand you giving up bottled water, or drinks in plastic bottles, say, but to only drink water sounds too restrictive.
Also, I can't see why juice is banned, I mean, if I grow oranges and squeeze and drink them, what's wrong with that?
I guess what I am saying is that you need to rethink the purpose of the challenge, then the rest will fall into place.
Kate
Hi Daharja,
You have not failed.
Did you buy bottled water? No.
Did you buy soft drink? No.
Were any Plastic Bottles involved in these crimes? No.
You bought a glass of cranberry juice for a soar throat. Given how important your singing is to you I don't think that looking after your throat should be classed as a failure. It should be classed as been sensible.
As for a cup of tea, well unless it came in a PET bottle, I think we can give you that one.
A glass of local wine should be applauded not dismissed a failure. You supported a local industry, I think that's pretty sustainable. You weren't drunk, you were tipsy. I don't think your friends will hold that one against you.
Ok, this comment turned into an essay. I just deleted the rest of it. I think I might have to reply to you post on my blog. I'm due to do an update.
Just remember, this Challenge is about Plastic Bottles and landfill. So hop back on that wagon and leave the beating up and recriminations to me, it's what I do best.
What sort of Greenie are you??? I think you'd better give yourself 10 lashes for those non-water drinks you had, then get back into that challenge! Come on, the world is not going to be saved by people who drink tea and wine and juice!
LOL
I am with the other comments that this was one hard challenge you set yourself... I would try a shorter amount of time, or be less restrictive. I think any drink that fits into a category like home grown, local, organic, Fair Trade etc. would be ideal.
And the drinking and stuffing up your performance... well, there are worse things you could have done! Be more forgiving on yourself, and I am sure your friends would be...
a whole year drinking just water?? i have to say, i do think that is a too harsh of a challenge. i'd have no problem giving up coffee, tea, juice, soda, etc since i don't drink those things much to begin with. but a year with alcohol - not gonna happen for me. maybe you should downgrade the challenge to be a monthlong challenge? or 6 days out of the week for a year? to still get across the importance of tapwater without all the feelings of guilt when you give in to temptation.
Hi all - Thanks to everyone for your support - and for putting me firmly in my place! :-)
I'll write a brief blog post about what I've decided to do.
Hi Daharja!
Nothing you've said here indicates failure. And if anyone lives deliberately, it's you :)
It certainly is a hard challenge but in my opinion guilt should play no part in anything you do - challenges or otherwise. None of us are perfect. And I know I've often been one of those "all or nothing" type people. I'm only just coming to grips with accepting that my choices do not always have to fall into those two categories.
The water thing is great. And it's fantastic you have a goal. But no one is going to think less of you if you drink water 90% of the time and drink juice, wine, hell even soft drink if you felt like it for the rest! Especially if you're accepting a beverage at someone else's place where they've already purchased the bottle.
Everything in moderation.
And what's with the whole guilt and sin references?? ;)
What would I do? Well considering I do a number of challenges, My usual m/o is to cuss out the originator of said challenge, lament about my failure, and get back on the horse to see the challenge through.
But remember- there are no failures at a challenge- hopefully you see the changes that need to be made, and you can then take the action to do them. Besides, you tried. And i don't see the point in beating yourself up over it.
And that no coffee thing- nuts! My grandparents drank coffee all the time. It's a norwegian thang.
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